A Nation in Mourning - Waiting for Morning.

*bang* - *bang* - *bang* - *bang*
*blast*

thats all it takes to bring down 160 Million people to their knees , or lets say temporarily. Some say its a sad sad day , some say it was inevitable. Regardless of the fact which camp i belong to reality remains the same. Crux of this whole issue doesnt lie anywhere but a disease which i have been talking consistently about.

'Our love for heroes'.

Its again this syndrome that has plagued this nation. Whoever masterminded this thing , just knew what he was going to achieve. Remember 9/11? Whoever was behind it did it just not to blow away some building , it was a symbolic disaster. Shock & Awe - what americans used in Iraq war as a strategy , they had gone through it already. Same thing has happened on this Thursday. It was mind blowingly thoroughly 'Professional' act of terrorism. You had to be on the street to know how much fear was around. I was walking around on the streets of lahore , 6:30 PM - its a time in this city where life is just beginning to find its place on roads. And i could see shutters going down already. Shutters going down in Lahore? This doesnt happen even at 3:00 AM in this city. This is a city which never sleeps.If a city has cafes which have 'all night long' policy , how can life desert its roads? - So i went inside one such cafe and the moments later even it was shutting down , waiting for angry mobs. I was among 4 customers. I could see terror on their faces and why not? You dont associate such moments to Lahore. I stayed there for 30 minutes , and in those 30 minutes i saw the rumor 'Mobs are coming - shut down the lights , doors and shutters' entering and leaving the cafe. It was so terrifying - that i laughed. Such is the state of our nation , we are built on fear. Oh, you must watch 'Bowling in Columbine' to know why is it so. I would just keep having scenes from this documentary and it mapped so perfectly well to the situation.

I moved out of cafe , it was becoming too stupid for me. Out on the road , i decided to walk. Why fear? THey are my country men. If they choose to kill me , thats their choice. Why should i tell them that i am even afraid of them? So i walked , walked for 40 odd minutes. With everyone coming from all directions stating something or the other. Street lights were turned off , roads had no cars , no transport. A city succumbed to the fear of unknown. I could hardly see my city in this shape. How come humans just become so fearful of their own specie? Own race? Own religion? Own creed? - So is the reality. Fear makes people forget who they are.where they come from.where they belong to.

Very night , i got calls from many people about Lahore's situation. I will depart from Lahore now, and try to see what has happened in this country , to this country.

We are a nation obsessed with individuals. You remove that person from the picture and it looks as if whole nation is going to come to an end. Benazir is just not an exception. This country has never been on the path to democracy as such. If people think , bringing in Benazir would’ve solved the issue , I am always going to disagree. Our political parties are autocratic by nature. Answer me , if you can ever imagine PML without Nawaz Sharif or PPP without Benazir. Its just because there are no elections within these parties. These are the people who are going to remain at the helm , unless they die one way or the other. So it makes considerable sense to remove the person , who becomes the nexus. What if they remove Musharraf? I am sure there will be even more chaos. Its more due to the stupidity of Musharraf than anything else. Once you hold onto an office for too long , everything starts moving in and out of your corridors. But when you are no more there , no one knows who is going to take control.

They say, In every disaster there is an opportunity. So is true for this time.

Our politicians should realize they have to die one day , and it makes perfect sense if they adopt democratic policies in their own parties. You keep a revolving door at the top. Just like democrats and republicans do. If you make it a personal politics , then you will keep facing this situation again and again.

Our military should just take a hint. They have tried their best to run this country through their ideas but how many times more they want to reach a similar situation? Gen. Ayub tried to run his own way of politics , failed. Similar fates are shared by Gen. Zia & Gen. Musharraf. I think they should accept that enough is enough – already.

Our intellectual class should just come out and talk. Talk about where to go , what to do. They go into hiding every time something happens which requires their input. If you will let masses play it out , then you are already seeing how they react. You can speak up – and you should.

Our nation should just accept that one person , one party or one group doesn’t constitute Pakistan. They don’t hold the fate of 160 Million people. They shouldn’t. Did anything happen when Jinnah died? Did any disaster happen when Liaqut Ali Khan was killed? Did we break up after the hanging of Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto? Why should this be any different moment?We should always remember that we are as much responsible for the progress and prosperity of this nation as anyone else. Why being so pessimistic and turn this feeling into a stupid frenzy of burning things down and creating a havoc. Whose loss are we doing anyways? Its ours. Its not that difficult a reality to accept and understand – or are we too dumb?

Lastly my friends – its been a difficult year for this country by any stretch of imagination.

Things have happened badly, disasters have struck. But shall we remember , as a nation we have always come out. This time it should be the same. We have lost a leader – but rest assured in the process of grieving and mourning we don’t lose out on many more. Hope is the only thing which stops humans from turning into animals. Lets hope , that through these dark moments only days of glory will rise. Let’s keep working towards a better tomorrow, for only we hold our destiny.

*bang* - *bang* - *bang* - *bang*
*blast*

This is what it should take to bring us back. Together!

An Ode To Mother.

Read me the book once more
when there are no fairies anymore
lying beside you , in the winter nites
when the warmth of your hug
will enter in me and make me smug
while taking small steps in the garden
you will run to catch, as if i sprint
such are the memories etched in me
when you were the life in me
all your yelling , which once brought
tears , now bring a smile to me
so are you still around in the eden?
are you still in me,apparent and hidden?
my mind goes back to your laughter
kissing and telling me how much i matter
what shall be the life again , my only friend?
what shall be the heart again, my surreal love?
in your falling tears i found my discomfort
in you i found my soul's sole comfort
come home soon , my only shelter
your life is alone , dont let it stagger

Phir wohi...

phir wohi baad-e-khizaan kay charchay
unhi payron pe phir say khushk zard pattay
kaisay hain iss gulshan kay rehnay walay
jo nahi samajhtay, tareek-o-rasm-e-ishq
kehtee hay faseel-e-shehr, aseeran-e-watan say
kahan jao gay mayray abaad kaaro?
mujh main he panah-e-dushman patay
phir mujh ko he ho raund daaltay?
nahi hay bahaar un kee
nahi hay khizaan un kee
nahi hay chaman un ka
nahi hay koi rung un ka
kay jis shehar kay baasion ka
na ho josh-e-kayamat apna
na ho jazba-e-zameer apna
phir wohi daykhta hoon aaj main
phir wohi ghabra kay sochta hoon main
'giree hay jis pe kul bijlee ,
woh mayra ashyaan kyun ho?'

Scattered Thoughts.

- Iqbal said , in his book Stray Reflections ,

' For centuries eastern heart and intellect have been absorbed in the question - Does God Exist?. I propose to raise a new question - new that is to say , for the East - Does man exist?

'I question the very idea to take it forward , Existence as compared to what? fellow humans? Animals? Plants? - or even non-existence?

- Muslims have become a creed of blind followers. We follow leaders , without questioning their ability to lead us. Its as true for a political movement as it is true for religious ideals. We dont question the authority. What is it that differentiates Quran? Its ability to stand the force of questioning. Its invitation to question. How wonderfully it asks humans to come up with a rational opposition to its theories. Thats the power of truth. But what are we now? We dont question because of fear. We are more willing to burn effigies than to actually dig out the real issue. Such a waste of intellect , time and feelings.

- God & Perfection are similar ideas. We do want to be perfect , but then how do we define 'perfection'? If we can define , then i believe we are in a better position to understand what we want to be. Similar to the concept of God. We do want to follow God, but can we define? I believe once we can define either concept , other will complete the picture. Then may be all struggles will come to an end

- One single pillar which constituted Islamic social system was Justice. Irony is now we want everything but justice. Justice which differentiates right from wrong irrespective of who is at the receiving end.

- More i help others , more helpless i feel. Its just too much of a mess out there. Shall i give up? - No seems to be the answer. Because , i can just start that one spark which can burn down this whole jungle of mediocre mentality , unjust theories , illogical rationalities , pseudo-intellectual religious transformations.

- I love you , but is this enough?

Happy New Year - Happy New Life

'How beautiful were those moments when i used to run around with my sibling, through trees...running after butterflies....trying to catch them...ahhh'...visions run across my mind like a wild fire...which no matter how much you try , just doesnt stop...'i used to scold her for her little mistakes..she used to scold me for being not a nice student in a 'student teacher game'...' memories , sometime they are more of a blessing than a curse...' me and my young sister...growing up in a small town....we moving to a metropolitan and me constantly bugging her on our way that ...'oh you know, we will be so great there...we will just get whatever we want'... we both grew up like ordinary kids.The only extra-ordinary thing were the circumstances surrounding us. Slowly everything was finding different ways. We got into different schools , different colleges... and yes different professions. The fabric of life is just brilliant. It expands in all directions yet doesnt break. Then those moments struck me which i enjoyed with my folks...such times just dont leave your head.Their annoyance at my absurdly stubborn attitude. Their love for my strong will power. Their pride on me being 'atleast' honest to them always.Us sitting in the sunshine and having long discussions about family , politics , sports - talk about anything but how it will not be around when anyone of us wont be. Me constantly reminding my mom , ' The day you dont scold me , i dont feel as if day has even started'. Thoughts after thoughts , like a train which passes you by no matter how much you try to ignore it. But which also makes you feel its presence. My constant pampering by my grand parents , uncles , aunts. When you are young , life looks so easy. World looks so simple. Everything looks honestly innocent. Till you realize later that it was the innocence in your existence more than anything else.

I kept falling , but with each passing moment i will remember one event or the other.

Remember my friends... for all the good and bad reason. How some will desert , some will uphold the flag of friendship. Vividly , i will know about the moments which took me to the depths of pessimism , distrust and painful acceptance of human selfishness. My consistent questionining , shall i follow the road ? But every time i will get hurt - i will realize one thing only. I shall be honest to myself atleast. And this one judgment will never let me change my course.' You can break me down , You can kill me - You cant fight my will'. This is what i will teach myself everyday. Lesson which life taught me.

As i was falling down , i will look at stars in the sky. Such majestic divinity existed around me and i never realized. Azure was illuminated unusally tonite. I would find them so well organized that i even managed to smile. But the fight between innerworld and outerworld is always a trivial one. With thougths going to how i found my closest people to be my greatest enemy as well. You save them from the moments , when even god mite not. But then they hit back at you the way , even devil mite not. You keep fighting and fighting for them beieving they will someday realize you. How often i have come to the understanding that its one thing people realizing they are making a mistake , its totally another for them to accept that they did make one.

I hit the road finally. My head banged first and then my back will kiss the ground , followed by my broken legs. Car , which had struck, managed to evade me and hit a pole on the road side. I could see people rushing towards me but for the first time i felt i had known what death is. I smiled at the them. Frenzy are humans , in a crowd even. They surrounded me talking about how to help me. I only managed a smile. In the last moments everything seems to slow down. You feel life as if it has come to a halt , but thats only true for you only. You want to believe that you lived a good enough life. As people were gathering to collect me , I made a last move when i heard someone saying ,

'poor guy must be going home to enjoy the start of a happy new year....'

and i replied,

'poor guy is going home...but to enjoy the start of a happy new life...'

I closed my eyes , never to know what happened next. who burried me where , with whom. On my grave , they placed a stone which had nothing written on it , probably there was no need either.

[A]part

As he laid his friend to rest , priests started praying. People started pouring dust on the grave. Slowly people leave , one by one. Talking , whispering – and wondering. As they all left, he will take steps slowly, hoping the journey beyond the gates of graveyard just never starts.

Looking at the faces of those around him he will think many things. Too many questions will illuminate his mind – with no answers insight. Why they conspired to end this poor soul’s life? Why they never tried to know what that little smile wanted? Why they couldn’t let go their own egos? Is it too much to ask from any human to put a smile anyone else? He kept walking with these thoughts in his head till he came across an old man. With curls in his hair , a stick in his hand , the white bearded poor man will just keep walking ignoring the crowd.
‘He mite have an answer’ – he wondered. Walking up to him , he will try to shrug off the idea of letting someone else enter his mind. But, loneliness in a crowd and the pain which it delivers , had the final say.

‘Sir!’, he asked , ‘ can you answer me some questions?’
‘Son , I don’t have any answers. I am finding ones for myself. What can an ignorant person like me enlighten you about?’
‘Tell me, what is love?’ – asked the young man.
‘ Son!’ , replied the old fellow , ‘ Love is when you know , that you don’t know anything. Love is when you wish for , what you will not wish for otherwise. Love is when you go extra mile without tiring at all. Love is when you take a deep dive into yourself while others around you only want to stop you. Love is when you give – and just give.’
Sighed the young man.
‘Tell me sir , I am hungry for love. My soul needs to be nurtured. My heart needs to be fixed. My brain needs to be repaired. Love has deluded me sir. Where shall I find it? Decades have passed now. It has become a holy grail now.’
The old man retorted.
‘ You look for love where? What do you think love is? You think love should heal you? – do you even know what love is?. Let me tell you son. We live in a world of madness. We live because we are asked to live , because we are not given a choice. Now you don’t find love out there , you find it in you. Once you find it in you , you look for a human to cross match. Humans come in all shapes and sizes. Its not an easy journey my friend. It will not be a smooth sailing. But when you find someone whom you think is worth your love. Dump all your love in their hearts. They will take it , but slowly. Love demands patience. Love demands perseverance. Love demands sacrifice. Love demands selflessness. This is what love is. This is what you should yearn for’.
‘You know who is there in that grave?” – pointed the young man to the grave.‘I dumped my love there. In this cemetery of hopes, I have dug another grave. Another grave, that will remind me that I need love. And these people you watched walking slowly , they are the ones who conspired against it.’

Old man holds his hand and takes him to the grave. Takes shovel and starts digging the grave.

‘Why are you doing this? Let it stay inside’ – he yelled.
Without paying attention to the young man , he kept digging. Till he came across a body , which seemed familiar to him.
‘This is your twin brother?’ – asked the old man astonishingly.
‘No’ , replied the young man , ‘ This is my other half. A half, which wanted to live a secluded life. I buried him , because this is what was right for him.’
‘Do you see this grave?’ – the old man showed him the grave right along side young man’s grave.

‘ this is my other half. We all live like this’ , wondered the old man, ‘ Killing our selves. Rejecting ourselves ideas which can lead us to different plateaus. We all suffer at the hands of our fears. Letting them be our guides. We suffer and suffer till we just become cynical of life , love and relationships. I have suffered the same way but I must tell you. Keep your other half alive. You just never know when you get what you keep looking for throughout your life. You just never know in what shape or form you get it. Stick to what you believe in son , take this better half out and keep it with you. Predators only are predators because they are persistent and they are patient. Be one , before you become a prey.’

While the old man sits beside his gave , the young man takes his buried half out and starts walking away.

Old man looks back and says ,
‘Remember my stranger, never quit on any idea. No matter how difficult or impossible it is. Be like a stream of water, which when flows knows no boundaries. Which when is blocked , finds other routes. This is what love is. Finding and making your own way. Good luck & Good bye.’

Musalman Kay Naam

na raha tujh main jazba-e-serfaroshi
na raha tujh main sharar-e-chungezi
na raha tujh main adal-e-nabwi
na raha tujh main zor-e-hayderi
na raha tujh main iraada-e-umar
na raha tujh main sabar-e-abubakar
nahi hay mayray humdum , nahi hay ab
wohi jis pe ho chuki ab yay ummat
na ummat-e-muhammadi, na ummat-e-ibrahimi

na rahi ab justuju-e-ilm-o-adab
na rahi ab talash-e-huk-o-mazhab
na rahi ab umeed-e-junoon-e-sach
na rahi ab himmat-e-takrar-e-zehan
na rahi ab uraan-e-khayal-ta-falak
nai hay mayray humdum , nahi hay ab
wohi jis pe ho chuki hay ab yay ummat
na ummat-e-muhammadi , na ummat-e-ibrahimi

Trust Me - Trust Yourself

No more signs of tragedy
no more lines of treachery
through these meadows
this stream of love flows
chirping birds, singing doves
fighting our own cruel fears
we avoid chasing spears
dont let time open wounds
of by gone terrible moments
now you are here...
stay with me ,
walk in the sunshine,
talk in the moon light,
and when you feel insecure
ask me ,to remove the obscure
and when tear falls down
ask me ,to secure it in my palm
listen to me , my heart felt smiles
peak to me , my one last mile
trust me , trust yourself